THE NATURAL LAWS OF GOLF ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THESE

Thanks go to Ann Wallace (Prestwick St Nicholas) for this one.

1. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

2. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

3. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

4. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still
putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

5. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

7. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other error.

8. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

9. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

10. It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt; for a 10.

11. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

12. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

13. It's not a gimme if you're still 5 feet away.

14. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

15. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

16. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

17. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

18. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

19. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

20. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

21. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph , handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

22. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

23. Hazards attract; fairways repel. Keep this in mind.

24. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

25. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

26. It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn.

27. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

28. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

29. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

30. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

31. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

32. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

33. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

34. It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart, if you’re performing Brain Surgery!!!!

Your West of Scotland Greenlees Secretary goes hunting for golf balls !!

At the Ladies Golf Club Troon Invitation Day today where 172 players took part. Fiona Roger the West of Scotland Greenlees Secretary hunts for Pat Hutton's Golf Ball !! --- A great day was had by all.

Karen Maxwell tells a joke at the Scottish Seniors Supper

D&A's Karen Maxwell told a joke at the Scottish Seniors Supper last week as did D&A's Helen Faulds and Renfrewshire's Marion Stewart. The SLGA sang a song, the West/East Vets did a wee turn as did the Ladies from Muir of Ord. Other performances took place that evening as well. Finally D&A Past Captain Helen MacGregor gave the vote of thanks.
To see all these videos and photographs go to the WEST VETS WEBSITE

A Wee Scottish Tale Fer Golfers and Duffers

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.
A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink that waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!'
The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?'
The groundskeeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!

Nothing to do about golf !!

Had a bad day at Golf today and this made me laugh --- You have to have a sense of humour you know !!-- Especially when you have a 12 and a 9 like your West of Scotland Greenlees Secretary Fiona Roger had today (and still plays to her handicap !! ) --- This is her "Doggie" -- not quite !



Thanks go to Frankie Pearson for that one !!

The Dentist and the Golfer

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two Buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave Man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the Pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him.

Thanks go to West Girls Webmaster Anne Wallace for that one

No Golf - Try this for some practice

This Should Drive You Crazy;
You May Become Addicted -
(Click On Putt)
PUTT
Thanks go to Anne Paton of Douglas Park Golf Club for that one

Christmas Wishes from Tiger Woods --- Apologies !!

Apologies -- but thanks to a few readers who have sent in this "photo" --- Click on the picture to see more -- Christmas Wishes !!!

Plus here are a few Jokes !

Crouching Tiger, hidden hydrant"

What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals?
They both get clubbed by Norwegians.

That’s the first time Tiger Woods has failed to drive 300 yards

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree ... he couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Perhaps Tiger should have used a driver

I find it's a nightmare driving at 2.05am: sometimes you can't see the Woods for the trees.

Tiger's wife went for him after he scored a birdie.

What was the second worst part of Tiger's car accident? The police found the driver in the trunk.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

A Golf Poem

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
Or The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Curse And Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
Even If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls....

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid.

Thanks go to Maggie Rutherford of Douglas Park for this poem

Great Golf Lines

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
~ Sam Snead

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool.
~George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that!
~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
~ Kevin Costner

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham-on-rye.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~ Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep
the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air and the other on the ground.
~ Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best
~ Jack Nicklaus

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
~ H G Wells

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
~ Bob Hope

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
~ Henny Youngman

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino

Thanks go to Ann Wallace of Prestwick St Nicholas for these quotes

ALL ARE KNEE SLAPPERS BUT OLD HENNY YOUNGMAN'S IS THE BEST!!!

Your Webmaster is off on holiday tomorrow -- so I will leave you with some thoughts ----
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
~ Sam Snead
A hungry dog hunts best.
~ Lee Trevino
You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen.
~ Lee Trevino
I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.
~ George Brett
Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.
~ Jim Murray
The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
~ Mickey Mantle
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them
~ Kevin Costner
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~ Brian Weis
Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino
My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny
There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
~ Ben Hogan
Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best
~ Jack Nicklaus
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
~ H G Wells
I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
~ Bob Hope
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
~ Henny Youngman
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino

Thanks go to Isla White from Enjoy Music for these quotes

Daily Exercise for Golf !!

I came across this exercise suggested for the over-37s to build muscle strength in the arms & shoulders. The article suggested doing it 3 days a week, but I do it daily. 
 



1. Begin by standing on a comfortable, flat surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 2kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to hold for a full minute, then relax.



2. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit 
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bag. Then a 25kg potato bag and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at that level).



3. When you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the 
bags.

Thanks go to Moira Jakobsson from Enjoy Music for that one

A County Joke !!

A message from the Lanarkshire County Captain May Hughes
Red is definately your colour Carol. I may name you in my County Team --- See why by clicking on this Link

Get into training for 2009

With all this horrible rain yesterday your Webmaster has been getting into training for all the West of Scotland Counties Centenary Year Events (Ayrshire, D&A, Lanarkshire and Renfrewshire) --- Instead of Golf she has been training at the Swimming Pool --- I do hope you are all getting geared up for what is going to be a GREAT YEAR of events.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Not bad for someone with bad knees !!!

Comments sent in from Website users :
Helen Faulds (Captain) -- West Vets
I can’t believe what I have just seen. What a dive—such style, such poise and what an entry into the water. You certainly keep your talents well hidden. Brilliant!!
May Hughes (Captain) -- Lanarkshire County
Red is definately your colour Carol. I may name you in my County Team

Reset your Mouse for 2009

You should actually do this every year. Even more often is recommended by Carol Fell (the website computer guru) if you spend a lot of time on the computer.

I was shocked to see how well this works, and how far off mine was!
To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the H below, then drag the H toward the d.
If it doesn't work immediately, you might want to clean your mouse, as the calibration is off.

Have a good New year --- and don't believe every word you read

Thanks for this one from D&A's Jean Campbell with a little modification from Carol

Happy Halloween to all our Readers

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Just a wee bit of fun on Halloween

Want to see some more fun go to the West Vets Website

Some Scottish Humour

Here is a short Audio File sent in by Carol Whyte of Windyhill to make you laugh on a horrible day --- Click on the Play button and make sure your sound is turned on.


Thanks Carol for the light entertainment

Is it Spring Yet !!

I was wondering....



Is it SPRING yet?

Thanks go to Jean Campbell (D&A) for that one

Never Lie about your handicap

A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a lovely golf course nearby which bordered on the jungle. After a short trip, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.
"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?" Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, it's 16," Jason said, "But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?"
"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."
Jason was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up Jason's bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.
They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, Jason duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.
"That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa. You're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5.
"Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, Jason's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.
The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. Jason's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water, and bit off most of his right leg.
As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly. "Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this hole is stroke 17 ...you don't get a shot here."
That's why you should never lie about your handicap

Thanks go to Carol Whyte (Windyhill) for that one
Want some more Jokes Click Here

Joke Time - No Golfing News at the moment so here is some banking news

The knock on effect from the US sub-prime fiasco is being severely felt in the Japanese market and shows no sign of letting up. In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cutback some of its branches. Yesterday it was annoounced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more than likely will go for a song.
Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and the staff fear they may get a raw deal

Thanks go to Enid Young (Balmore) for that one