Are you Scottish ?

Are you Scottish?

You know you are a true Scot if...........

1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St, St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.
2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.
3. Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.
4. Ye canna pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.
5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spil ling yer drink.
6. Ye see people wearin shell suits with burberry accessories as pure class!
7. Ye measure distance in minutes.
8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him in yer ain Family.
9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the Ocean.
10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.
11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.
12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day .
13 You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.
14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n Chips, irn- bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.
15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.
16. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.
17. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.
18. Ye actually understand this and yur r gonnae send it tae yer pals.
19. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these words:

How's it hingin
Clarty
Boggin
Cludgie
Pished
Get it up ye
Wee beasties
Amurny
Away an bile yer heid
Peely-wally
Humphey backit
Baw bag
Dubble nugget

And finally......
A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butcher shop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing wi his haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire. The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks,

"Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"

"Naw,"replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'.

Husband and Wife Golfing Joke

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."
The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul... And all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees?!"

Thanks go to Jean Campbell (D&A Webmaster)for that one

Joke of the Day

In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab,died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger,died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,Cosabee Livermore,also committed suicide.
However:in that same year,1923,the PGA Champion and the winner ofthe most important golf tournament,
the US Open was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral: Screw work --- Play golf.

Thanks go to Margaret Reid for that one(Webmaster of Lanarkshire County)